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| so sometimes things make me feel better and sometimes they dont. sometimes people make me feel better and sometimes they dont. but usually the people that make me feel better always make me feel better even if they are telling me something that doesnt make me feel better. if that makes any sense. which i am imagining it doesnt since you are not in my head.
i am planning to go dancing again this weekend. with evn. im not sure what that is all about but i am enjoying it and not really expecting too much from it. at least i think that i am not expecting much from it. i know that i shouldnt. how about that. i think that makes the most sense.
(what is it with me and wanting to make sense? i mean, who reads this anyways... if it makes sense to me i think that should be good enough, no? yes, i think so.)
so, dancing. in new hampshire. with someone i met ... 5 days ago today. so i will have known him a week (barely) when we get on the bus together. no, thats not sketchy at all. at least i hope its not. but i have a feeling it might be, just a bit. i would feel better if someone else were coming along as well, but it is not my choice to invite people since i am staying at his house and going to the workshop for free (is it for free??? hahah maggie). this should be interesting. but we had fun last night. at least i hope he did. i did. even though i got zero work done last night. and fell asleep before i could even set my alarm so that i missed class today.
allison and i were talking about how we have zero incentive/motivation to do anything. and then we were pondering what would happen if we actually did nothing, like honestly did no work from now until commencement. we would go to meetings and assigned scheduled things, but other than that, utterly and completely slack off. and i realized that really the only thing i have to work on is my oss. which is the one thing i dont want to work on. which is sad because oss should be something that youre passionate about learning about. and for me its not. sadface.
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| does anybody remember back when you were very young, did you ever think that you would be this blessed...
as i walk into the chinook building i see some of my friends favorite flowers. it reminds me of them and makes me smile. daisies (hi erin!), giant sunflowers that tower over my head (i love you char!), and elegant callalilies (hey jared). then i get in the building and there is no natural light or windows or anything. ugh. counting the seconds until 3:30...
at the gym yesterday, i saw the captain. my mom and i jokingly nicknamed him the captian because the first time we saw him (hes kinda hard to notice.. built really big with a huge dopey smile on his face the whole time... lifts lots of weight and seems to know his shit around the gym) he was wearing a captain morgan shirt that said "got a little captain in you?" so he is the little captain, or just the captain for short. anyways. he usually wears athletic shorts, these white high-top sneakers and socks, and a beater.. carries around a gallon of water and wears a baseball cap. i looked up from the elliptical yesterday and thought i saw the captain, but it was actually a clone of the captain. shorter, younger, not as built, but athletic shorts, beater, gallon of water, baseball cap, white sneakers. when i looked around, there were about 5 clones of the captain. and the captian himself seem oblivious of this blatent flattery. all the captain clones would occasionally look over to the captain where he was joking with the gym's supervisor or benching or sipping some of his gallon of water... and the looks on their faces... they were like moses waiting for the 10 comandments.. waiting for the captain to notice them and help them out. maybe spot them or give them some advice. these 17 to 19yr old boys desperate to get a hello or a head nod from the beefy 27yr old. it was hillarious. i couldnt help but chuckle. guys can be insecure too... and theyre worse at hiding it! | | |
| Jona came to visit.
Cirque du Soliel's Quidam was A M A Z I N G
I got 4 new books at Border's.
I am also dreading returning to work.
Dad made bowl-lickin' good Tiramisu.
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| sitting in my living room watching madagascar in hi-def. sounds good. looks good. cute movie. i love david schwimmer as melman.
feeling a bit better all around. the house is clean, cousins are coming then leaving, jona is coming then leaving.
i seriously need to lose weight. no joking. no games. no kidding. im not happy like this and i dont feel good about myself which makes it hard to enjoy myself among other things.
i also really need to finish going through my closet (which is depressing cuz i have tons of clothes that dont fit me any more). sell slash throw out slash donate all the things i dont wear slash cant wear slash wont wear anymore.
double bleh with knobs
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| no matter how many times i tell the story, i get the same response.
"oh my gosh, thats awful. you're being had"
"well he sounds like a winner" </sarcasm>
"and you ...want to be treated this way?"
the truth is, im not, and he is, and i do. alex is the sweetest thing that has happened to me. and keeps happening. our hours together have been short, but our time together goes on much longer. everytime i talk to him, i feel butterflies. every time he says "i love you" i know that he means it. and i mean it too when i say it. im different, to him. im not from kentucky and im not just another girl. i care about him and he cares about me and we both know this. and whats more, we both appreciate it. immensely. i only wish that we werent 800 miles apart and that we could actually *be* together. and this is when my audience gets skeptical. because he has a temporary girlfriend. and we're both in college and experimenting and experiencing life. and we're broke and cant afford the three-hundred dollar plane tickets. the last time i saw him (january 2005) was amazing. we were how we should be. together. and in love. and happy. its just that for now, things are less-than-perfect. and until we graduate and we're able to be together, things are going to stay like this. and i dont know how i feel about that. im patient. and im loyal. and im understanding. but i am also gullible. and everytime i hear the response
"you're being had" i have to wonder how true it may possibly be. and then i feel like a fool and a sucker and a stupid idiot. but then he calls and tells me that he loves me. and i feel better. who cares what they say. i'll wait. ive got the rest of my life to spend with him. how much do the next few months matter, really?
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